Monday, February 12, 2007

when you're dreaming with a broken heart...

...the waking up is the hardest part

i've been hanging on for a while now. a long while now. i got used to it already. the joy and sorrow that come with it, i embrace them with all my heart and soul. i have learned to accept that it will not get better. if i want it so bad, i have to stay. otherwise, if i go, he will not beg me to stay. since i want this dream to go on, i have to learn not to question, not to seek for anything more that what it has to offer. if i want to linger in this dream, i should keep my eyes closed and stay put...

You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was he really here?
Is he standing in my room?

the questions that are forever swirling in my mind must be kept a secret. must learn not to blurt them out. this "thing" that we have strictly excludes questions. that's fine by me. anyway, i'm happy when he's around. i feel secure when we're together. yes, he makes me feel special in his own little ways and i appreciate these displays. he says he tries to show me how much he loves me the best way he knows how. that's fine. maybe he's just not so good at expressing himself or maybe he really loved me that little based on what he's showing me. the thing is at least he loves me (whatever that kind of love is). but, during all those moments, did i really hear him right?is he really the kind of man i am thinking he is?

No he's not, 'cause he's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone...

i thought it's alright. i thought i can stay dreaming. turned out i can't. i could have stayed if only i felt reassured. if only i am sure that the already complicated situation will not get anymore complicated. because i'm already on the edge. i've, in fact, exceeded my limits. one little push will make my fall. and it's a steep cliff..if i fall, there's no more getting back up. and i fell..sadly, and what hurts the most, is the fact that he caused my fall. he -- without realizing it -- pushed me. i tried to hang on. tried my best to hold on to his hand. despite my hanging on to him, he let go and i can't do anything anymore because he's the one who's holding my hand.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part

i ran to my friends for advice. it's so difficult for me because this is the first time i have deeply fallen in love. i need to make sure there will be no regrets. so i asked my good friends, should i stop now and not turn back or should i again swallow my pride and talk to him for the last time? one of them said that i should follow my heart and fight for what i feel. she said i should go and talk to him if that will clear up things. this way there will be no what ifs. she said i should directly ask him about what's going on and just be prepared forthe worst answer. she said at least this way i will find closure. i'll know for once where i really stand. but then, another friend said that sometimes closure should come from the person seeking it. sometimes i need to just read between the lines and spare myself from experiencing so much pain that may just be the ending if i still talk to him, so my friend said. maybe, yes, i should shut up now once and for all.i need to rest anyway. this has been a very tiring experience. but i told my friend, it's not easy to let go..after all..

He takes you in with your crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye

it feels so good to be with him.everything seemed so's fun at first.but then i fell in love and that changed everything.suddenly, i can't stay close anymore without getting hurt.every little thing he said mattered.everything meant something to me.i can't listen to his stories anymore without risking getting hurt.but we were so good together as friends, at least others thought so.i really want to keep the friendship but the funny feeling won't go away.the needle pricked no matter how hard i tried to ignore's there making me human...

Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?

i had put an end to it.regrets?too early to thing's for sure though.the love remains.thus, it still hurts.i have decided,it's going to be more painful for both him and me if we will put our lives on hold, me waiting for him and him, i don't know...him, wanting me to stay close, just like that...

No he can't, 'cause he's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

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