regrets..

it's funny i read our emails to each other during those good old days and i can't help but laugh at how crazy i sounded. just last month i read the same emails but they didn't have this effect on me.last month they sounded romantic. but now, they are simply..well, plain funny. ;0

pathetic.i sounded pathetic in the subtlest way. but then he sounded so interested in me. even gave a hint of courting me if i will only allow him to. but then maybe it's all a big joke. a joke. something that i shouldn't have taken literally. empty words.

i then read through my stupid collection of his text messages and i noticed something quite interesting. i noticed that as the days went by (actually we've been playing this cat and mouse race for 2 years now), as our "friendship" evolved, he texted less and less and i texted him more and more. his messages went from somewhat romantic to completely platonic while mine is the the exact opposite.

the sad truth though is that i have been blind to all this until now. the even sadder truth is that, now that i seem to have waken up from the intoxicating image of us i have had, and can now change the image to "him and i", i feel like though i'm more aware of the situation i would rather stick to what it is i'm in than turn my back and walk away.

regrets? none at this time.

and then there was love...

some people have the tendency to be locked in a situation and never have the strength nor the courage to stand up and turn around -- get out of the situation. i'm not talking about situations which you really have to face. you know, that kind that would require you, as a dignified man, to confront. i'm talking about the kind which you, as a DIGNIFIED man, have to leave behind, and leave without a trace. i'm talking about situations wherein it would be silly for you to stay involved in. situations that do not require your presence but you still keep on holding on trying to make sense of your effort to be in it. sometimes you recognize the often hurtful fact that nobody needs you to be there. you're an outcast eventhough you're in. well, the people who are in it may need you, but they may not want you, which is even more hurtful. i bet by now you are already thinking of a very special person in your life. one whom you are trying very hard to reach, but for some unknown reasons, keeps on stepping back. you, fool!, are under a powerful spell. i'm sorry i can only speak but can't help because no matter how vivid the image of the situation is to me, i am powerless and helpless, because i, mayself, couldn't resist it. i am drowned in it and can't get out... i just hope that for both you and me, there is some out there who'll battle this intense force siphoning off all our energy, taking all that we have that we can't help but fall. someone who might be worthy of it all.