Here's the real deal

* Remember when we were in first year high school and you jokingly told Diane Fronda, who had a huge crush on you, that you were already courting me so she would stop bugging you? I actually wished that were true.

* Remember when you told me through friendster, back in 04, that you wished you're the one I loved the way I loved Jay? At the back of my mind I thought, I loved you more in fact but I just kept on brushing off the feeling.

* When we hosted Rubie Andrea's 18th birthday, I was so happy and proud to be doing it with you.

* When you and Hans came over to my house on my birthday in 04 and you guys stayed until 3am and the 2 of us just talked and had this easy connection, I wished for that night not to end.

* I made a big deal out of you coming to my 04 birthday straight from the Palarong Pambansa.

* Remember when I came to see you at your old house because and I was so sad due to family problems and we talked while eating ice candy, i think that was back in 04, and our conversation shifted to how our friends had been making a big deal out of our closeness, and you went like "ano kaya totohanin na lang natin tutal naman yun ang palagi nilang iniisip," and I sad, "nah... that won't work". I actually regret saying that up to this day and I still think, what if...

* I wrote you letters that I didn't have the guts to send you until Sherrie Ann took them away because she thought they were just making me pathetic.

* I actually saved your text messages from 04 to 05 in a notebook which She also took away.

* I continued to write down your text messages until early in 06, then I stopped because I began trying to stop my lunacy over you.

* Sometimes I still itch to write down your messages.

* I saved our Friendster conversations from March to April of 04 in my email.

* I just did above yesterday.

* I worry about you everyday despite the "i-don't-care" facade i put up. One text message from you a day makes me happy because it assures me you're far but still around. ^^

* I always wonder what's the real deal between you and Jen.

* I don't really care when you go out with girls, except when it's Jen. ^^

* Remember when you asked me to come over to your house to show me your new V3x on December 30, 06 and you slept while I was checking out your phone and then all of a sudden I told you I had to leave and you wondered why, and I said I just had to (with a smile)? Well, I had my reasons... I went home so you won't see me burst into tears... I don't know I was so stupid to have believed you all those times when you said you're just friends with jen and you weren't seeing each other anymore. So when I saw pictures of you two in your phone taken on Christmas, I was shattered. I had no right to talk to you about that but it hurt a hell lot so I just left.

* Yeah, my dear friends who've been with me and have loved me long before we became close hated you and I've tried, over a hundred times, to make them like you because I so wanted to be with you and not even them could change that.

* Remember when we fought in 05 (I forgot the reason) and we didn't talk for a week then we had an "agate gathering" and so I had to see you there then later that night you asked me to come with you to the park just across your house and you said we needed to talk? Remember that time? Up to now it boggles me why we had to have that TALK. Everyone teased us because they were probably confused as well. Because WHY would we have to talk in private. Then when we were alone we talked about "us (not)". I wish I had just been honest with you and with myself then. Instead of telling you that I was fine and we could get back to the way we were, I wish I had the courage to just settle things with you once and for all that time. Hell, I shouldn't just have cared and just let things go the way they should. We should have settled things then. Because now, it's even harder to just let you go. I should have done it then. I shouldn't have let you talk me into "maintaining our friendship" despite my friends not liking you because we "are happy together just as things are". I shouldn't have let you made me hope that yeah, everything's gonna be ok. I shouldn't have.

* Remember in Baguio, June 05, I lost my phone and cried my heart out. I partly cried for that but truth is, somewhere in the middle of that, I was already crying for you and not the phone. I was like being stabbed every moment I had to see you and Jen so close and looking wonderful together. Hans and Bernard knew about this and they were beside me all the time to make me feel good. I actually agreed to go to that trip because you insisted and convinced me to go not knowing it will be like hell. I didn't know Jen would come. When I knew, it was already too late to back out but if I 'd known earlier, I wouldn't have gone. I know Andeng would've understood.

* About the "thing-that-must-not-be-named": ** I didn't allow it to happen just because of the "spur of the moment"; ** I acted nonchalant about it, but truth is, it's a big deal for me I just tried to deal with in in an "i'm-a-modern-woman" way, although I know I failed; ** every time it happens, I wonder what you're thinking; I can't imagine myself doing it with anyone else

* I'm happy you tell me a lot of things about you than most people know but sometimes it really kills me when you talk about your women. I laugh, yeah, but truth is it hurts inside.

* It boggles me why you don't tell me the real deal when you go out. I mean, I won't hold you back so why lie? Truth is, I learn about the DATES anyway. ^^

* I will give my left arm to know the REAL reason why you went out with me at the start of this "friendship". You know, the Padi's Point days, the old movie marathon days, the "i miss you" messages. What's the real deal about all that?

* I didn't really expect you to take me to MV Dulos. Was it really just your way to apologize? Actually, I wonder about that a lot especially after Hans told me that you'd been thinking of moving away from me but "I am the one who won't let it happen".

*About that: could you please tell me when you actually felt that I was keeping you from moving away? If only you told me that straight then you would've gotten what you wanted.

* I cried when Hans told me about that.

* Truth is, I want to TALK to you. Really TALK but I'm afraid...

* Truth is I love you so much I keep all these things and more inside of me