somebody help me please

and so i cried. i cried because i seem to have no control of the situation anymore. it seems like i'm in control of my own feelings, at least, but the truth is i'm slowy dying inside. i'm hurting but i can't seem to get out. everything is happening inside of me that i can't battle it. i can't fight back because come to think of it, how can i fight myself? how can i deprive myself of the thing that makes me so much happier when i'm happy and cheers me up when i'm down eventhough it hurts so much. everyone deserves to be happy it's just that i find mine this way. i sound crazy, i know. but then, this life is full of crazy crap that sanity is actually nothing but an empty word anymore, don't you think?
i want to wake up sometimes and face reality but then it's so much easier to move and go on when you are in a dream. it's so much easier to just float, to just glide, and to not acknowledge the truth. The truth that will definitely shatter me to pieces and will make me wary of anything that will threaten to arouse this great feeling of extreme happiness ever again for fear of experiencing yet again the equally painful fall i know i will have to face sooner or later.
i'm lost. lost in this seemingly unending quest for definition. for clarity. i know it will take just one small step to resolve this situation. one little question. but, i am afraid. i'm afraid of letting go; of finally letting go. i can't take the risk. i can't. but i'm sure time will come that i will because i still long for that pure bliss that everyone, EVERYONE, is looking for...