An Open Letter (21-01.2010)

I cannot comprehend
This thing that we can’t mend
Too many things left unsaid
Sweet stuff, nonexistent

Conversation went on and on
About you and me and slideshows
And birthdays and phone calls, nothing’s sure
Except the fact that I told you

I cannot comprehend
This thing that we can’t bend
Too many people to get hurt
I, for one, am broken and stressed

You said “let’s be honest”
“For once,” you even added
And I thought you’d live up
To the expectations we’ve set

But then you just stuttered
Babbled and rambled on 
Issues we’ve dusted
A long time ago and decided
They were over and pretended
To make it all sound okay
When we know full well 
It will never be the same again

How can it be when you’ve lied to me
And then that night you didn’t even say sorry
You said you care but you lie and you dare
And you hurt me big time
And you asked me questions I didn’t like
And then you think I can take in
Everything you’ve done… Unreal…

In the end, I’m not gonna say
I cannot be put to blame
Because I know at some point
I had shortcomings
I had some misgivings
Especially the part 
When I loved you too much
And I wasn’t so sure
If you are man enough
And I just let it all go
And I didn’t tell you so
But then I thought you should have known
After all we were together so long

I don’t really know now
How it will be
If you and I will still meet
I had so many plans
I painted too many pictures
Happy ones 
But then this happened 
And they’re all gone

My doctor told me to wear glasses all the time
I think she’s right, I thought my eyes are not all that bad
And then I realize we sometimes think all is fine
Without glasses they seem alright
But then we wear glasses, and we realize
There are still better things for us to see
We are just too busy with what we think should be

I just need us to figure out
What we really want from us
I already told you my side
You tried to say your bit
But then you backed away and tried to hide
Well, I must say I’ve done my part
I told you enough, I showed you enough
It’s either this is it, or you will step up…

At the end of the day 
My stand remains the same
Just be true to yourself
Do what you feel is right
Be happy without sacrificing too much
I can sacrifice you for you
And I now give you permission
To sacrifice me for me and you…

From my Facebook Notes Page

The Girl Who Always Stalled

The girl I will tell you about
Is Mariana Mamaya na.
She has to stall and take her time,
When mum asks her to clean her grime.
She loves to play and chitty chat,
Won’t brush her teeth or take a bath.

“Mariana, come!” her mum would shout.
Bad Girl just turns her back around.
“Mariana, fix your bed right now.”
“Later mum! I’m busy (frown)!”
This is the daily scene
In the house where Mariana and Mum live in.

And then one day Mariana learned
Her lesson in a hard way.
She got her class card with failing marks,
Worried about how mum would react.
She stayed in the garden for a while,
Waited for Courage to come by.

Looking at her card she thought,
“How will I make this work?”
And then to her surprise and awe
Her marks came to life and talked!
“Hello Mariana,” 75 said.
“I’m sure you are scared to death,”
“You got low grades because, you know,”
“You didn’t study after all.”

Mariana got confused and scared,
So she screamed and then she fled.
On to the house she went,
Locked the door and climbed the stairs.
She then thought she needed a bath,
But then too bad the faucet cried!
“There is no water for you, I’m sorry,”
“Isn’t it that taking baths make you feel itchy?”
“Why are you in such a hurry,”
“To get rid of the grime on your body?”

“Ahhhh!” Mariana cried.
She couldn’t understand her plight.
She ran to the kitchen and got some soup.
It was all too much she needed to scoop.
But then as she put the spoon to her mouth,
The spoon wiggled and tugged with all it’s might.
“No! No! No food for you!”
“You have always ignored me, no food for you!”

Shocked and bafffled Mariana ran,
In her bedroom she ended up all wan.
“This is all impossible!”
“Spoons don’t talk and numbers don’t walk!”
She then thought it’s just a dream,
And to her bed she tried to un-dream.
Her bed then laughed outloud and jumped up,
And said, “No, Mariana! Enjoy the fun!”
“Why sleep when you have always wanted to play?”
“Isn’t it that you hate to sleep so early in the day?”

As if by magic, the faucet and the spoon,
Together with the numbers, were now in the room!
They were all laughing and jeering and sneering,
Poor Mariana couldn’t hide, couldn’t scream.
They were all around her now pushing and pulling,
She tried to fight them but her arms turned to pudding.

It was when she felt really scared and perplexed,
That a nut hit her head and thought she was going berserk.
So she looked up and everything then disappeared!
Poof! She was back in the garden under a tree...

Whew!it was just a curious dream!
But Mariana knew better now about things.
She would tell mum that she failed and learn from her mistakes.
And would promise not to stall ever again!
She’d promise to study and get homework ready,
Before she’d watch TV or play with her Barbie.
She’d promise to brush her teeth and shower,
After a bag of jelly beans and a game of Chinese garter.

What Mariana didn’t know,
Is that the numbers smiled and winked,
“The curious dream worked!
The girl who loved to stall, won’t be a brat anymore!”

Toto

What could he be thinking now...
Swordfights, princesses, pirates, flying bikes,
He is here with us but his eyes are blank,
Maybe he is thinking of big fish tanks.

He’s neither happy nor sad,
I wonder if he is in Fairyland,
I envy him so much sometimes,
He gets to travel and have so much fun.

I like sitting with him all day,
I like the silence, I like the game.
Elves, pixies, castles, and goblins,
Magic, mystery, witchcraft, bravery.

There are times, like now, you see,
When he turns and looks at me.
He would smile and hold my hand,
As if he’s saying he’s glad that I’m around.

Mama

Mama loves me very much!
She always prepares my lunch,
My dress is always clean and white,
Because mama makes sure of that.

Mama loves me very much!
She strokes my hair and gives me baths.
I love the way she sings to me,
The lullaby that is heavenly.

Mama loves me very much!
Her hugs and kisses dry my eyes.
When she cooks I always watch,
I learn from her and get a prize.

I love my mama very much.
I hope she really loves me back.
Because every time I wake up --
My mama disappears with the night.

Ondoy

Rain, rain, go away!
Come again another day!
I really don’t want to play!
Please rain, go away!

Please, please take away,
The cold and hunger I cannot bear.
My knees are buckling,
My throat is dry,
Hurry, hurry I might die!

If I was really very bad,
Please know I understand.
Just save my sister, she’s inside,
Her room is locked ,
Water’s rising fast!

I’m sorry for all the things I’ve done.
I was the one who ate the candy bar.
Mommy, it was I who locked
Little Tanya in the dark.

Rain, rain, go away!
I really don’t want to play!
Some jokes are bad, I know that now!
Save my sister, please dear God!

The Kid in the Cordilleras

Walking, walking
Mud on feet
Dirty old slippers
Swish swoosh swish

Water from the river
Wet tired feet
Cuts and blisters
Happy little feet

Skipping, skipping
Rocks and stones
Rubber slippers
Stuck! Now it broke!

Little hands try
Little hands try
To fix dirty old slippers
Eyes up to the sky

Slowly, slowly
Swish swoosh swish
Water from the river
Careful little feet

Wobble, wobble
Don’t burst the bubble
No need to rush
Careful of the rubble

Hurray little feet!
School is behind the trees!
More dirty old slippers
On happy little feet!

(2/25/09)

I'll be gone for a little while (sticky note messages)

Better and safer to leave in the morning, not tonight. Get up at 5am and not a minute later. Believe me; you’ll make it to the office on time.

I know they’re your favorite pair but they need a date with the machine, you’ll look equally dashing in the others, trust me.

You’re not fat. You’re fine the way you are. I don’t mean you should gain more weight though, okay?

Grow your collection of memories. The little printouts are okay.

Comma first before the close quotation mark

Take the carpet to the cleaners, one of these days.

Don’t let them get used to you doing everything in the office. It’s okay to speak out sometimes. Just be tactful.

It’s not girly to get a facial once in a while. Don’t forget to get yours, okay?

When there’s a chance, grow a beard and a mustache. Hehe…

No, you’re not always right but I’m always on your side. I don’t mind losing with you.

It won’t kill you if you say ‘sorry’. Say it when you know you should.

It’s nice that you wash the dishes and refill the water containers when no one asks you to. Keep this up.

Thank you for eating whatever I cook even if they taste bad sometimes.

Don’t be scared to hold them. I’m sure they enjoy the playtimes with you. Make them laugh. Be part of their lives. Teach them when you can. Protect them. They are your princesses for now.

I’m sorry I read your messages and watched that video.

I won’t take it against you if we lost touch.

I’ll miss you big time!

Take care of yourself…

(2/25/09)

Once and for all

I’ll do what I got to do

Fly to that foreign land

Seize the opportunity

Fulfill that dream of a better life

It’s true, what they say

Not all desires are rational

I’ll do what I got to do

What I want will have to wait

I have, however, come to terms

With Reality, It’s never set

Things happen, people forget

Some love cannot wait

Before Time casts its spell

Once and for all, I’d like to say

Don’t wait, but know that

Forget, I will never

"Tonight I Can Write" -- Pablo Neruda
Isinalin sa Wikang Tagalog ni Chloe Nina L. Ballesteros


Maisusulat Ko Ngayong Gabi


Ngayong gabi'y maisusulat ko, taludtod ng luha't hinagpis

Tulad ng, "Ang gabi'y natatanglawan ng mga bituing nangungulila, nilalamig; Hinahaplos ng hanging malumanay, umaawit."

Ngayong gabi'y maisusulat ko, taludtod ng hapis at lungkot
Wagas ko siyang inibig, may minsang inibig din niya ako

Sa mga gabing tulad nito yakap ko siya't hinahagkan.
Niyayakap, hinahagkan, paulit-ulit...
Sa lilim ng itim na kumot na wari'y walang dulo,
Walang katapusan

Wagas niya akong inibig, may minsang inibig ko rin siya.
Paanong hindi ka matatangay ng alon ng kanyang mga mata.

Ngayong gabi'y maisusulat ko, taludtod ng walang pagsidlang kalungkutan.
Isiping wala siya sa'king piling. Damhin na kailanma'y 'di na magbabalik.

Dingging ang ulilang gabi, na higit pang binalot ng kahungkagan nang siya'y lumisan.
At ang dula ng taludtod ay maglalandas sa kaluluwa tulad ng hamog sa damuhan.

Anong halaga ng limiing hindi siya mapanitili ng aking pag-ibig.
Ang gabi'y puno ng tala't bituin samantalang wala siya sa aking piling.

Wakas. Tangay ng hangin ang himig mula sa malayo. Sa dako palayo.
Bahagi ng aking kaluluwa'y dinuyan ng hangin kasabay ng kanyang paglisan.

Sinubukan siyang hanapin ng aking mga mata tila upang akayin siya palapit.
Kinapa siya ng aking puso at wala siya sa aking piling.

Ang kakahuyan ay nakakanlaong sa bisig ng gabi.
Walang nagbago.
Kami, nang mga panahong iyon ay 'di na tulad ng nakaraan.
Pawang mga estranghero sa isa't isa.

Ang aking pag-ibig ay nagmaliw, iyan ay tiyak, subalit labis ko siyang minahal.
Sinubukang sumpungin ng aking tinig ang hanging dadama sa kanyang pandinig.

Wakas. Siya ay magiging pag-aari ng iba. Tulad noong bago ko siya mahagkan.
Ang kanyang tinig, ang kanyang katawan. Ang kanyang nangungusap na mata.

Ang aking pag-ibig ay nagmaliw, iyan ay tiyak, subalit maaaring mahal ko siya.
Napakadaling magliyab ng pag-ibig, napakatagal humupa ng usok na kaakibat ng limot.

Sapagkat sa mga gabing tulad nito ay yakap ko siya't hinahagkan
Kaluluwa ko'y nangulila mula nang siya'y mawala.

Kahit ito na ang huling sakit at dusang kanyang ipadarama.
At ang mga ito ang huling taludtod na isusulat ko para sa kanya.

Favorite Poems by my Favorite Poets

Sometimes with One I Love
by Walt Whitman


Sometimes with one I love I fill myself with rage for fear I effuse
unreturn'd love,
But now I think there is no unreturn'd love, the pay is certain one
way or another,
(I loved a certain person ardently and my love was not return'd,
Yet out of that I have written these songs.)

*****

I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You
by Pablo Neruda


I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

*****

If You Forget Me
by Pablo Neruda


I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

*****

Tonight I Can Write
by Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, "The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance."

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

*****

somewhere i have never travelled
by e.e. cummings


somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

i never dreamed i could love like this
i never imagined i'm capable of such a feeling
i never thought i'd fall for you
you've been with me all along
and i've never looked at you this way before

we've known each other for so long
you've been my friend, my wall
i'm used to your being around me
i'm used to your always being near

love has its way of changing things
i see you differently now
i see you differently now

i see you often
but i miss you so much
i get to embrace you
but still i long for your touch
we have these conversations
to me though, they don't say much
i'm thinking maybe it's time
but then I'm so afraid to try

i don't wanna stay in the dark
i'm so tired of this set up
i can't get close enough
i can't get close enough

(6/7/07)

Stupid, ain't I?

Weird...
I felt so nauseous
nervous
dizzy
a pain in the pit of my tummy
like something wants to come out
through my mouth.
"Your face is ghostly,"
so the bartender said.
"Yeah, I can imagine,"
Was what's in my head.

All this
just because I worried so much
about you.
I was scared.
Thought you're not OK.
When in fact,
you were just out
enjoying yourself.
While I,
I was alone at the bar,
deathly pale,
because you said
you're not coming back.

Why do I waste my time like that?
Why do I make myself look like a dumb-ass?
Why does it have to happen again,
like an old rustic melody
no one likes to hear?

My friends say
it's because I won't let go
of you.
They say it's because I love you.
They say I should be better off without you.
"You see," I tell them
"I try,"
It's just so hard,
it's like I'll die.
Stupid, ain't I?

(6/4/07)

A Song for William

I see you only once in ten years.
The pain of seeing you leave
is the sun dying over the seas.
But I love every single day of it.
I'm grateful, in fact,
because I know, somewhere,
there's You whose love for me will last.

Once every ten years,
I patiently stand waiting,
for that burst of green light
that signals your coming.
To the great sea beyond,
I try to catch a glimpse,
of your arms outstretched,
reaching out to me.

Distance separates us.
The depth of Ocean threatens our romance.
Even Time is between us.
Only Faith stands by our side.

I take comfort with the knowledge,
that no matter what,
my heart belongs to you,
and yours is always with me.

Tomorrow, I will see you again, my love.
And then again an eternity of waiting.
Don't despair, my love.
I won't get tired of hoping,
the way the sun never tires of rising;
the way my heart never stops beating,
only for you.

My forever is that one day,
that moment that's ours,
one day in ten years.

I promise to keep your heart.

Your love,
Elizabeth

(6/4/07)

From Captain Jack Sparrow to Elizabeth

"It wouldn't have worked between us" -- Elizabeth

I don't understand what it is I see in you.
It's hard to comprehend how much I love you.
After all the pain,
it completely eludes me.
What is it in you?
What is it about you?

I should be over you by now.
I should just forget about my vow.
You don't deserve all the love I got.
You're not enough.
You don't measure up.

I should, really, but I couldn't.
I can't make myself forget,
the feelings only you can make me feel --
the warmth of your embrace,
your face.

How can I forget
when only you can make me feel?
Only you can make me feel
such wonderful feelings.
It'll be like dying.
It'll be like dying.

You have brought me nothing but tears.
I want you near me but every time it hurts.
You hurt me every time.

I really should be over you by now.

(5/31/07)

Not yet

You ask my friends for a date,
You joke about girls you like in my face.
When you pull off those stunts, I just laugh,
Of course, so you won't know I feel bad.

When you call me over to hang out with, I go.
When it's my turn to ask you just raise your brow.
How insensitive do you think is that?

Sometimes I wonder if you're for real.
How can someone be so unfeeling?
How can you not know I'm reeling
Whenever you make me feel invisible,
When I'm just right beside you all along.
I feel sick to my stomach,
Whenever I try to just shrug it all off.

I know I have told you before,
And besides, how can you not know?
That to me you're not just a friend,
So why keep up with this trend?

I'm your friend, yes of course,
I told you I can live with that thought.
But still, you can't be coarse,
Isn't it obvious?
I'm still trying to move on.

I still get hurt when you talk
About your conquests and prospects.
It still turns my insides
When you make compliments.

I need time,
I need time.
I can't not love overnight.
Look into my eyes sometimes,
And you should see right through me.

Then you'll know,
I deserve a little consideration,
After all.

(5/17/07)

The girl I want for you

Someone who'll cook your favorite food,
Fix you a cold drink with meals.
Someone who'll massage your foot,
When you get home from drills.

Someone who'll laugh at your corny jokes,
The funny faces you make.
Someone who'll tickle your funny bone,
Will know when you need a break.

Someone who'll listen to how your day went,
Will support you all the way.
Someone who's strong enough to tell you
You did something wrong, but loves you anyway.

Someone who'll climb mountains with you,
Camp with you, and sing with you.
Someone who'll swim oceans with you,
Someone full of energy, and loves nature the same way you do.

Someone who'll see you for the great person you are,
Who will encourage you with your writing ,
Read them, and love them, no matter how bad they are.

Someone who'll appreciate your creativity,
Your kindness and generosity,
Who won't take you for granted,
Won't get tired when you're difficult to handle.

Someone who won't be afraid to talk,
When you need someone to listen to.
Someone who's ready to listen,
When you need someone to talk to.

Someone who'll see and embrace your weakness,
Won't see you as a loser,
Will stand by you to face and fight it down.

Someone who'll take your face on her shoulders,
When you feel stressed and burned out.
Someone who'll treasure you forever,
Love you the way you are.

I want someone perfect for you,
The way you are perfect to me.
I can't be that "someone", I know,
But I'll be happy if one day you'll show up
With someone beside you,
Worthy of it all.

(5/16/07)

Lie or Dare?

Truth or Dare? Do you love him?
No, I don't
How can I? We're good friends...

I looked at you for signs
I searched your face for a chance
Nothing... blank

You didn't seem to care
And so I'm glad I lied

How can I bring myself up to say
That I do love you
Very much, actually?

How can I?

Above all things, above love
We're friends and I treasure that
Although it's hard for me to stay this way
I promise, I won't dare tell
Not for any other reason but because
I love you that much

So, I'll stay by your side
As a friend...
I know that's what you want
So, fine, let's keep it at that

I listened too closely

Your eyes were saying you adore me
And I gladly drowned in them
Love was coming out of your lips
So I couldn’t help but linger

Your hands spoke of forever
I held on tight
So tightly I held on
And closed my eyes

I listened too closely

I shattered when, finally,
I looked and saw the words
From your heart

goodbye


it gets old...
all the waiting and the worrying
all the secret pain and the fake smiles
that say "i'm ok" when actually,
"i'm not --
dying inside, in fact."

don't say i gave up
too early, without a second glance
i did my share of "i'll stays"
a ton of "i understands"
the tears i haven't shed
all this time,can fill up a dam
i gave you all the chance
i gave you all the time
to figure yourself out

i know i may be sorry
to leave you when i know
damn well that only you
can make me feel the way
i do... i know i may be sorry
i really do

but then should i really
just look straight ahead
of this one-way street?
should i just keep on walking
the same way i have always been --
towards you...always
without question

i wonder: if i just gather
all the strength i still have
left, i may be in for something
better, something real
and i know -- when i don't meet
you in the eye --
this is the right thing to do
because I have so much love
to give, and sadly --
it shouldn't be for you

at least, i had
learned to live and love
through you i've known
the greatest laughs and cries
i've had experienced
a great true love
only it has ended
no matter how i longed
for it to last

i will miss you
that's certain
the tears i held back
may finally find release
sure, i will never forget
you, never regret the bliss
but don't you worry
don't despair for me
because if i learned something
big in this affair,
that is: to love truly
you have to feel pain
to love truly doesn't mean
to cling, to love truly
is just to love and
love without fear of it's end